life lessons

Caregiving 101: Sometimes, you have to hit the ground lounging

Posted on by Kat

After nearly three months of going nonstop seven days a week while taking care of my father after he suffered two strokes, I found myself with three unscheduled hours in the middle of a day last week.

My first thought was a nap, but because it was early in the day, I wasn’t that tired. It was then that I took off my sneakers to relax and caught sight of my neglected, half-polished toes. It had been months since I had been to the salon. “I could go get a pedicure,” I thought.

The go-go-go side of my brain, trained from these long hours and many miles of being a caregiver (running two businesses, and trying to keep up with two houses and yards and multiple pets) said, “I don’t have time.” And then, I nearly burst into tears. “Seriously,” some small part of me said, “I don’t have time for myself? I don’t have time to take care of me?”

I knew then I HAD to go get that pedicure. I hadn’t read a book or magazine in many months. The winter had been hard on me. I got really sick in December and I had fallen on some ice in January, seriously injuring my back and a knee. Both required long recovery periods.

I needed some time to just sit and breathe and maybe do nothing while someone spoiled me with a sweet touch and added some beauty and color to my life.

I took a book I was excited to start and headed for a salon. The wait there was long and I walked out in frustration. I Googled another salon and found it was almost empty. The woman took me to a chair in the back where I put my feet in wonderful-smelling warm water and she turned on the massaging, vibrating chair. There wasn’t another soul back there; everyone else was up front getting manicures.

She said it would be about five minutes before someone got to me. It was more like 25. I read many pages in my book, my mind immersed in the glorious Kennedy years of the 60s before his assassination and far from medical procedures and various types of therapies. And for part of that time, I just sat and breathed with my eyes closed. And maybe sensing my need, the woman who did my pedicure quietly gave me an extra long foot and leg massage. I can’t describe how refreshing that was.

The next day, I hopped back on the hamster wheel of appointments with a different attitude, in beautiful sandals and with a spring in my step. I started thinking of ways I could get some breaks in each day, even small ones, just a little time for myself to refresh, renew and restore my exhausted spirit.

I thought back to a text conversation with a friend a few days earlier where he told me he was sitting outside for hours after work. I recalled my outdoor recliner, folded up on my porch collecting dust since fall. The weather had turned warm while I was constantly on the go – driving, running errands, taking my dad here and there, researching treatments and medications, interviewing specialists.

I got that chair out the first chance I had and sat in the sun for just 15 minutes, reclining with my feet up. I was revived for the rest of the day. I am finding time each day to do this now. And every time I see my chair, even when I don’t have time to sit it in right away, I smile. The same thing happens when I see my beautiful toes.

I was texting with the same friend one morning a few days later. The night before, when I told him how tired I was, he told me to get some sleep and then hit the ground running the next day. That morning, he asked what I was doing. I was sitting outside in my chair, watching my German Shepherd romp happily in the grass, and I told him so. And then I added, “So, you could say I am hitting the ground lounging.”

And that’s when the message really hit home. You have to care for you and love yourself every day, which I usually do, but it’s especially important, even crucial, when you’re caring for someone else.

I am tired today, but instead of running my dad around for his errands without a break, I took him to breakfast and we just sat and talked and breathed for a time. And then I took him to his house to rest before our afternoon appointments, and I am writing, one of the things I most love in my life. We’re both having the better day for it.

 

I wish you much peace and love today. And as always, if this resonates with you, please share it with your family and friends.

Get to know your parents now, while there’s still time

Posted on by Kat

I bet if you asked 10 people, most of them would say they know their parents. But knowing them when you’re a child and when you’re an adult are radically different things.

I feel lucky to have learned this lesson, mostly before it was too late.

A few years before my mom died unexpectedly, I was watching a movie about the assassination of Bobby Kennedy and it occurred to me that she was a young woman during that time. So, during our weekly phone call, I asked her if she remembered it. She did and she had an amazing story to tell.

The next day, during my weekly phone call to my dad, I asked him the same question. He and my mom were not yet married at that time, and he also had a cool story to tell me.

All during the workweek, I kept thinking of something else I could ask each of them, and that started a weekly Q and A with my parents that lasted until my mom’s unexpected death three years ago. What I learned about them was awesome, and still is in the case of my dad, who I now live near and talk with almost every day.

Here are some of the questions I asked them, or things I suggested they tell me about, to give you an idea of how to get a conversation started:

  • What did you want to be when you grew up?
  • What were your best and worst days ever? (Interestingly, while my mom clearly remembered a beloved best day immediately, my father said he hoped it hadn’t yet happened to him.)
  • Where were you when John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. were killed, and what do you remember about those times? What about when we landed on the moon? Where were you on 9/11? Do you remember the Challenger disaster?
  • Do you remember the first time you saw a movie and what was it?
  • Tell me about the first time you fell in love.
  • Tell me about when you met my mom/my dad.
  • Tell me about you when you were a child and teenager.
  • Do you remember your first favorite pair of shoes, and what were they?
  • Tell me about your first pet.
  • What was your first car?
  • Do you remember your first job? And what was your favorite job?

(Just for fun, after writing this column, I Googled “get to know your parents” and there were 19,100,000 results! Try that if you need more questions.)

Sometimes, stories can just pop up if you ask a question about a comment one of your parents makes. Yesterday, my dad said something was “rough as a cob.” Knowing he had grown up on a farm where they had an outhouse when he was a child, I asked him if he really had ever used a cob. The ensuing story was hilarious and we both laughed until we had tears in our eyes. I will never forget that story as long as I live.

(And so you know, yes, they did use cobs because they couldn’t afford store-bought toilet paper. But they used gloves to rub down the cobs first, so they were actually fairly smooth on the surface. “Hell, it was better than a page from the Sears & Roebuck catalog!” he said. “That slick paper wouldn’t do you much good.”)

The conversations I had with my mom before she died, and the ones I continue to have with my dad, have enriched my life and made me look at my parents in a whole new way. I have come to appreciate things that were hard for them, and to really enjoy some of the things they have loved.

Knowing them as they were throughout their lives, instead of who I thought they were based on the memories of a child, has been a huge blessing.

Memories are all we really have, when you think about it. There is nothing else that you can take with you. So, adults, why not pass on some of your memories to your children today? And to those of you who still have one or both of your parents, why not ask a few questions now to gather some of those memories? One of these days, it will be too late.

Give someone a compliment: It’s the gift of love

Posted on by Kat

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When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? How did that make you feel?

Now, when was the last time you gave someone a compliment? How did that make you feel? Or do you even know?

My mom was THE giver of compliments. People fawned all over her wherever she went. It wasn’t only because she gave out so many compliments. It was more about how she made people feel about themselves. And that love came back to her.

She never gave a false compliment. No, no phony praise from her. That wasn’t her style. Rather, she looked for things about everyone to compliment. (She once told me you could find something good about anyone, although you might have to look longer at some people than others. And when someone tries my patience, I look at him or her until I find something to like.)

I remember when I was in my preteens and I would just cringe when she would call out to someone when we were shopping: “That dress sure looks beautiful on you!” “My, what a handsome man you are!” “Hey, good lookin’. Where are you doing dressed like that?” “That hairstyle is so perfect for you.” “You look great.”

I was horrified, and to this day I cannot tell you why it embarrassed me to my core that she did that. But one day she taught me a lesson I have never forgotten, and I never cringed again. In fact, it was many years later when I caught myself calling out to someone with a compliment that I realized I had not only learned the lesson, but I had also picked up the habit and had made it my own.

She was “auditing” a community college course in fashion design at the time, because we couldn’t afford the tuition for her to actually take the course for credit. At that time, most teachers would let you sit in on their course and participate, free of charge, and not call you out about your “less than student” status.

She loved that class more than any she ever took, I do believe. She drew fantastic things and had many friends who did likewise. Their designs filled my head and heart that summer.

She also came home with wonderful stories about her class and the other students. She kept telling me about this rather plus-sized woman from Nigeria who was in her class. This woman wore caftans she had designed and sewn herself, made of many bright colors and wild fabrics. I couldn’t wait to meet her.

One day, my mom had gotten permission to bring me to class and I gladly tagged along. We sat in the back, so we wouldn’t disturb anyone and suddenly I saw her. In fact, you couldn’t miss her. I had never seen anything like her bright purple, royal blue, hot pink, lemon yellow, brilliant red and electric green caftan. And she was wearing a matching scarf wrapped around and around her head. And to top it all off, she had this large fly sitting on one nostril.

My mom had told me in advance that sometimes this woman had problems at home and she would come to class sad, and every now and then you could tell she had been crying. This day must have been a bad day at home. She slumped in with her head down and quietly took a seat off to the side. I was surprised, because her dress was sunny, wild and fabulous. But her demeanor was gloom and sadness.

My mom leaned over to me and said, “Watch this.” Then she called out to that woman and said with sincerity, “Girl, you look so regal in that outfit that I don’t know if I am worthy of being in the same room!” For just a moment, I thought I would die of embarrassment. Here I was in a college classroom for the first time and she was going to pull one of those mortifying moments?

But then the woman turned to us, her eyes swollen and red rimmed from crying. And then, like magic and almost in slow motion, her mouth opened and she smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen. I mean, full teeth out there smile. And her eyes crinkled up and she let out the most wonderful laugh. I was in complete awe, not only of her beauty at that moment, but of my mom’s ability to turn this woman’s whole day around with a simple sentence.

She thanked my mom and came over and talked to us for a few minutes before class started. (I couldn’t stop staring at that fly, which turned out to be a nose ring. I was in awe!) And when she returned to her seat, she was a different person, lively and animated during the lecture and discussion. My mom nudged me at some point and said, “See. That’s what you do for someone when you give them a compliment.”

It was like she answered the question that had been in my head every time I had seen her do it before. But I had never until that day paid attention to the result. What a marvelous gift to give, to change someone’s life for the moment with a kind and honest word.

To this day, I call out to people to give them compliments. “Girl, that new hair color is awesome!” “Has anyone ever told you what a beautiful man you are?” Yes, I get weird looks and replies from time to time, but the love I give and receive are more than worth any embarrassment.

Give someone a compliment today. And if someone gives you one, accept it fully and enjoy it without hesitation. This feeling is one of the great moments of life.

What was the best comment you’ve ever received? Share it with me in the comments. And if this post makes you happy, please share it with someone else.

Kat’s official tips for having a great birthday

Posted on by Kat

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I think we sometimes forget, especially when we have been adults for a while and we forget to play, that our birthday is supposed to be a celebration of ourselves and the fact that we are still alive. Remember when you were a child and everyone would gather and celebrate you? Why do we give that up as we age?

I recommend you don’t. And so, in case you are out of practice, I hereby give you some official tips for making it a great day. Of course, you can tweak them. Because it’s your day, it’s all about you!

These are in no particular order, although I wrote them chronologically based on my birthday this year. All of these tips would be good to fit into other days as well. But only if you want to have a good day. Or a good life.

  • Stay up until midnight, so you get to experience the first minute of your birthday. Be glad that you made it.
  • Sing happy birthday to yourself before you go to sleep. (I even told me how much I love me.)
  • Turn off the alarm and sleep until your body says it’s ready to get out of bed.
  • Snuggle with a German shepherd (or other animal of your choice).
  • Thank God for giving you another birthday. (A lot of people on the planet won’t get one this year.)
  • Hang around the house in your pajamas doing something you just want to do. (For me, that was reading and surfing the Internet.)
  • Eat something healthy first thing in the morning, because you know you’re going to eat things that are not so much later. (I had some of my favorite yogurt.)
  • Go out to breakfast with your dad (or other loved one) and have chocolate chip pancakes made from scratch.
  • Do something nice for someone else. (I helped my dad with some chores, because he still can’t lift much after his surgery.)
  • Take a drive in a vehicle you love. (I had to take Optimus because of the snow and salt. This was the first birthday I’ve had when I didn’t get to drive Cam. Sigh.)
  • Listen to some music you love, really loud. (For me, this included The Beatles, Ultravox, Billy Squier, Journey, Queensryche, A3, Smashing Pumpkins, Supernova and Kristian Leontiou.)
  • Throughout the day, look around for beauty. Really experience it, admire it and enjoy it.
  • Go around and pick up free presents for your birthday. (A lot of businesses will give you something if you ask. Other places have birthday clubs, where you automatically get something on your special day. This year, I got a free pastry, a free makeup kit, a free ice cream sundae and a free cocktail. I still have free popcorn and a free lunch coming.)
  • Get out with a group of friends, the more the merrier.
  • Have a really tasty meal that includes dessert.
  • Seek out and destroy some cake. (This isn’t a suggestion. It’s mandatory. If you haven’t been eating cake on your birthday, you’ve been doing it wrong.)
  • Go to a theater and marvel at how gorgeous Ryan Gosling is for two hours. (You might choose someone else to ogle. It’s your birthday, so it’s your choice.)
  • Laugh. A lot. Every chance you get.
  • Figure out your catchphrase. (You should have some statement that sums up the day and makes you instantly recall a joyous moment you had at some point during the day or evening. Again, if you’re not finishing your birthday with a catchphrase, you might be doing it wrong.)
  • Have a cupcake and a cocktail before bed. (If you don’t eat sugar, see cake rule above. If you don’t drink, have some kind of treat that you don’t often that you really enjoy. Savor it.)
  • Have additional snuggle session with above German shepherd (or other animal) before bed. (This is optional, but I highly recommend it.)
  • Fall asleep at whatever time you please, knowing you truly celebrated you and being alive.

The top 5 lessons Alexander Rossi taught us by winning the Indy 500

Posted on by Kat

By John Jensen/used with permission Alexander Rossi, drenched in traditional cold milk, celebrates his Indy 500 win in the winner's circle.

By John Jensen/used with permission
Alexander Rossi, drenched in traditional cold milk, celebrates his Indy 500 win in the winner’s circle.

Alexander Rossi, the rookie winner of the 100th Indianapolis 500 race, taught some lessons yesterday. Were you paying attention?

Some of the lessons were ones you likely learned at some point, but maybe have forgotten. Some of them maybe you never thought of or never learned.

Here are five lessons that we all should take to heart:

You don’t have to be the fastest.

People will debate whether the 24-year-old from California had the fastest car out there. While he had the fastest lap of the race at 225.288 miles per hour, drivers James Hinchcliffe and Ryan Hunter-Reay led more laps than Rossi. (Hinchcliffe led 27; Hunter-Reay led 52; Rossi led 14.) Helio Castroneves, Tony Kanaan and Townsend Bell also had fast cars.

In fact, at one point in the race, Rossi was 33rd. That’s last place at Indy.

You don’t have to have the most experience.

Rossi didn’t have the most experience. In fact, he became an IndyCar driver in February. Before that, he was a rising driver in Formula One, trying to make a career of it. But he hadn’t raced on an oval track until April, just two months ago, according to USA Today.

Rossi was the ninth rookie to win the race in its 100-year history, and the first rookie to win in 15 years, according to ESPN.

You don’t have to have the most money.

Bryan Herta’s IndyCar team merged with Andretti Autosport, headed by Michael Andretti, in the offseason, and had to do that to have an IndyCar this year, according to USA Today. That partnership paid off well for both teams.

Sometimes, you have to take risks.

While all other car teams were planning when to stop one more time for “a splash” of fuel, Rossi’s team was calculating speed and distance, and trying to determine whether, with smart driving, it could get that car to the checkered flag without a pit stop.

The team also had to consider various scenarios of what would happen if the caution flag came out anytime during those last laps. A caution flag can make or break you when it comes to racing.

The team decided it would try to conserve fuel when it could and not bring the car in for even a bare-minimum pit stop. Rossi drove 36 laps without taking on fuel. No other car drove more than 31 laps without stopping for gas, according to USA Today.

Always, you have to run your race, not anyone else’s.

While other teams were trying to figure out when to come in for fuel, and wondering/worrying when everyone else was going to do that, Rossi’s team figured out a strategy and stuck with it. And it paid off. They came in first, won the historic Indy 500 and coasted across the finish line at a cool 179 miles per hour while other cars were driving the full-out 220+ miles per hour to try to win.

In fact, Rossi cut it so close that the car didn’t even have enough gas to get around the track for his victory lap. He had to be towed in.

In post-race interviews, Rossi said, “I just focused on doing the best job I could.”

Now that’s a lesson for all of us.

Mother’s Day lessons had to be learned the hard way

Posted on by Kat

Lola still looking down and sad on her second day after her emergency.

Here is Lola still looking down and sad on the second day after her emergency.

As a Motherless Daughter, I dread Mother’s Day and I try to lay low and let the day pass by. However, this year, I had some lessons to learn.

I went out of town Saturday night and while away, I got a call saying my German Shepherd, who was staying with my dad, was not well. After many questions, I was reassured she would be OK until I got back. I certainly didn’t think it was something serious.

The next morning, as I and a friend traveled home, I called my dad to see how Lola was doing. The news was not good. She had been down and in the same place all night, unwilling to even lift her head, and certainly not eating or drinking.

I know some people don’t think of pets as anything but animals and they don’t see what the big deal is about having them. But Lola is my daughter in every sense of the word. I am responsible for her health and welfare, I have taught her nearly everything she knows, I spend time and money on taking care of her and making sure she’s happy and well-adjusted, and I have built some part of my life around her.

My mom was my champion, my cheerleader, my best friend and a huge part of my support system. When I was little, she was my protector and my provider. I am now all of those things to my dog. I have become a mom.

I raced home to my little girl thinking how cruel it would be if my daughter died on Mother’s Day. I was already missing my mom, who died two years ago. Could the day get any worse? Indeed, it could.

Lola’s fever was high. She couldn’t even stand to greet me. She barely lifted part of her head, just enough so one eye could meet mine, and just the tip of her tail tapped the floor twice. My dad had called two strong men to carry her 95-pound body to my SUV. They carried her in a blanket and laid her down gently. (I’ll never forget the sight of those three grown men standing at the end of the driveway crying as I pulled away.)

Road construction and traffic hampered my drive to get Lola to the emergency animal hospital as soon as possible. But although I felt like I was dying inside, I handled the crisis with clarity and some sense of calm. My mom had always done the same when, as my dad likes to say, sh*t hit the fan. She was cool under pressure, doing her best to push off her feelings until the storm passed. I now did the same during the two-hour drive to my dad’s house and another nearly hour to the hospital.

But I have to confess that as a doctor and a tech put Lola onto a cart and rushed her through the double doors that said “No unauthorized entry,” I did not think I would get to bring my daughter home again. I had been at this point three times before in my life, with a shepherd in crisis that would not get to return home. There are few things I can think of that are as terrible as heading to the vet with a sick dog, hoping they will make it better, but instead coming home with just a collar and leash.

Five days later, I am sitting in my chair with my beloved child at my feet, writing this column. Every day and night, I have kept her quiet and safe and as comfortable as possible. I have slept little, waking every three to four hours each night to make sure she has her various medicines and that she’s resting comfortably. I have eaten smartly, so I can keep my strength up and not get sick while my daughter is counting on me not to fail.

Lola has two days of mandatory bed rest to go, and she’s getting better every day. I feel relieved that we’re at this point today. I feel thankful for my mom teaching me how to do the hardest job in the world. And I think she would be proud of the mother I’ve become. Here’s to a better Mother’s Day next year!